Am I "The One"?

When my pet rabbit is angry or annoyed, she stomps her hind legs down and it makes a loud thump. She does this when we are in the bedroom and shes out in the hall and knows shes not allowed to come in, she does this whens hes lonely and wants attention, she does this when shes upset or scared. So why is it that a rabbit can express herself with one loud thump, and human beings cant be as forthcoming as a little bunny?
I have spent the past 48 hours crying my eyes out. Well, let me put that differently...I have spent several hours within the past 48 hours crying my eyes out. I've cried myself to sleep 2 nights in a row, I cried m whole car ride home 2 days ago, I cried basically all night last night while watching sappy love movies. I'd say I've spent a good 4-5 hours crying in the past 48 hours...thats a significant chunk, right? I mean, I went out all day yesterday with old camp friends in the city and I didnt cry while I was there...although part of my brain wanted to, but I didnt...so thats good, because who wants to see some chick with black mascara running down her cheeks walking down the streets in Soho?
What do you do when you realize that the life you thought you had, and the places it was headed...may have just been a fantasy? I was better off 1 month ago, before I started asking questions. Why couldnt I just be satisfied with ignorant bliss? I was happy thinking that I knew where my relationship was headed. We have a big 2week cruise coming up in January, and while everyone else's comments havent helped "oh hes definitely going to propose on the cruise", says my mother, friends, extended family, I really started believing it too. Not just because other people thought thats what would happen, but because I thought (and still DO think) that hes 'the one'. Why shouldnt he be? We have similar senses of humor, our personalities click, we can have intelligent conversations, hes been my shoulder to cry on. We love eachother. We love eachother, right? right? dont you love me? dont you think I'm 'the one'? No...not THINK....dont you KNOW I'm 'the one'?! Its been over 3 years, if you dont know now, will you ever know?
I dont think he wants to marry me. I KNOW for sure its not happening on this cruise we're going on, and hes so completely entirely focused on my finances, and my work situation, it seems to be all he cares about. My finances? my employment situation? Is that what most people base an engagement around? And hes critical about it, so critical, and yet he hasnt made a single move in 6 years to change his shitty work situation. I have money, I have money that I have no intention of touching, I'm getting unemployment right now...who cares if I take advantage of the system for a couple of months and relax? Apparently he does. I have every intention of finding work in the coming weeks, months...whenever I can find it, but is it a crime that I relax a bit, spend some time trying to figure out where I want to go next? I mean, hes barely spent more than a couple of minutes in the past 6 years trying to figure out where hes headed next.
It appears that while I may not have a man with commitment issues, I certainly have a man who doesnt know how to make any kind of life changing decisions.
So where did this lead me? An ultimatum. I dont know if he even took it seriously, but I can tell you for sure, I wasnt joking. If I'm not engaged by April, we have to break up. In April we will have been together for over 3 and a half years...if thats not enough time to decide if you want to marry me, nothing will be. I cant wait till its 4, 4 and a half, 5, 5 and a half years so he can make a life changing decision and figure out if he wants to marry me. If he doesnt know by april, he never will...and money, employment, that stuff should matter. If anything, he only has the right to get on my case when/if we get engaged...until then, its MY money, my employment situation. It shouldnt matter to him. It certainly shouldnt be a determining factor if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. If you love me, really really love me, you'll want to spend the rest of your life with me, PERIOD.
But I dont think he does. The older we get, the faster the days and months fly by. Our cruise will be upon us in no time, it'll fly by in moments, then cliche Valentines day, which I know hes much to creative to propose on, then its March, then April...and thats it. I'm going to be 28 in April, if the man I'm with now, who I've loved more than anything else on this planet for the past 3 years doesnt know what he wants by then....than I need to go out and start looking for someone who will know. I'm getting too old to wait around while everyone else I know is getting engaged, married, having babies. If I'm really not 'the one' for him, then I need to know sooner rather than later, so I can start making some life decisions for myself, if hes too afraid to make any on his own.
I love him, hes the only person I could ever imagine myself with, the only person I've ever met who makes me really happy, the only person who makes me laugh and makes me feel safe. But if he doesnt feel the same...I need to know.
Or maybe I just need to up my meds...who knows?



"So if I stumble
And if I fall
And if I slit now
And loose it all
And if I can't be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me"
~Alexi Murdoch