Thankful Thanksgiving?

okay...I'm having a moment. An altered state of mind moment, but a milestone moment for me. I want to write about it now so I dont wake up and forget it tomorrow....
Thanksgiving was alright, nothing amazing...especially since it has been minus my fathers presence for a second year now. Thanksgiving hasnt been the same since we did it at my house...with my whole family present, grandparents, cousins, friends etc. I guess I havent been the same either.
Anyways, with Thanksgiving feeling like a bit of a downer after getting home from my aunts tonight, I decided to get a little pick-me-up and smoke some pot. I find that being stoned, drunk or asleep is the best way to deal with depressing things. Anyways, sitting home watching Life on Animal Planet...I watched a full episode and a half when my other half got home from his Thanksgiving with his family. Anyways, he came in and started watching with me, but was clearly exhausted and slipping into a food coma before my eyes. I was half glad...I was too captivated by Life to be much for conversation. Eventually he passed out, and so I watched another 2 hours of it 'alone'-so to speak.

Now what I am about to say, has been my true belief for as long as I can remember...I have always considered myself to be an Athiest. Even as a child being sent to Hebrew School, none of it just ever took-not even the pride in my religion. I just truly didnt believe religion had a place in my life, and all the mumbo jumbo crap that goes with it. I'm a firm believer that man created god, god did not create man. Well, with that said--lets call what I had tonight; a "Spiritual Moment"...and while this may sound silly to others, its actually a really big change for someone like me..............I think I might be Agnostic now. Hah, it sounds so silly to read it....I know, but I just got a vibe tonight watching that show, that maybe I was wrong. Maybe some kind of Deity does exist? Maybe its a 'mother earth' kind of thing, or maybe something entirely larger than that. Something that knows everything to the edge of the universe. I think I just decided tonight, that there's too many beautiful things on this planet not to put some doubt in any "athiests" thoughts. Everything...plants, animals, the ocean, the sky, space...like a huge puzzle of organisms that so perfectly fit together...Life...I mean, how? why, do we have it? Whats the reason for all of this? Who decided to make the sky blue, the trees green, the air? How did it come to be that life is created the way it is? Who picked the features that differ on a man and a woman....why do males have penis'? Why not some other type of reproduction entirely? I dunno, but my mind is changed. Why does each snowflake have a unique shape? Something must have wanted it or willed it to be that way...it cant all really just be a big accident, right?

Maybe I smoked too much pot, I dunno. Something just really seems different to me now-like a presence that was never there before in the back of my mind...not necessarily a 'person' presence, or a being...more of a 'feeling' I guess.
For anyone else I suppose it sounds crazy, someone who has any real ties to their religion or beliefs would wonder how Atheism and Agnosticism even really differ...but believe me they do.
So, yea. That was the big breakthrough. It makes me feel a lot less bitter about the holiday...and actually has made me feel a little more Thankful for it....pun intended.

Alexis the Sexpert

I consider myself to be a "Sexpert". I think if you asked my friends, and even some family members, they would agree with me. I've always been outgoing about sex and sexuality an expressing my sexuality. The words sex, penis, vagina, masturbation, anal, erection, cum...etc...they dont scare me. The weird thing is, they scare a lot of people...so many women refer to their genitals as "down there" or whatever other kinds of terms they've come up with. Down there? If I point down, I'm pointing at my toes...and unless I'm feeling creative, I'm certainly not usually referring to foot fucking (although...I've gone there too). Whats with the sexual taboo, and why hasnt it ever affected me?
When I was 5, I found my dads porn magazines in the downstairs bathroom under a stack of towels in the cabinet, and thus began my life of sexual insanity. I didnt fid Playboy, I found some really dirty stuff...lots of spread vagina, penis insertion, cum shots...for a 5 year old, I guss one could consider this to be traumatic, and maybe it was at the time...but in a big way its helped to form who I am today. First off, I made sure not to keep my discovery a secret (well, I kept it a secret from my parents), I shower ALL of my close girlfriends when I was little...I considered myself a little teacher. Hey! look what I found! THIS is SEX!
I began masturbating around that time too...of course, I didnt know I was masturbating...I just was doing something that felt good. I would take my "blankie", smush it into a ball, stick it between my legs and wiggle around on it. It wasnt until I was sitting watching TV with my dad one day when I was around 5 or 6, and I said "daddy, I like to wiggle onmy blanket like this, it feels good"...his response was that I shouldnt be telling my daddy things like that, daddy doesnt want to know that...So that became my first lesson in shame...this 'good feeling' that I gave myself was to be kept completely to myself...I shouldnt tell daddy, or mommy, or friends, or teachers about it. Lesson learned...until highschool, when my hormones went nutso and I started feeling the need to tell everyone everything that I was doing.
So some of you are probably reading this and thinking that I was a pretty fucked up kid....but to me, sex became such a natural topic...even between me and my close girlfriends when i was a child....we knew a TON more than kids know today at that age...we were sneaky kids who went through our parents drawers and belongings because we wanted to learn as much as we could about the topic. There were 6 of us that would share our little details together, and with each detail we were able to put together more and more of the big picture of SEX. Whether one of us just overheard something in a convo, overheard our parents 'doing it', or found porno...we all put our pieces together in our little clan to try and find out as much as we could. We were 7, 8, 9, 10 years old when we were doing this, and I guess we kinda just assumed that all the other kids in our grade were trying to do the same.
Nowadays, that shit would never fly. My little cousin didnt even know what sex was when she was 9...so I had to be the one to tell her out of fear that she'd go off to sleepaway camp and still think a stork had something to do with it. I think its dangerous....the funny thing is, out of me and my close friends that were sex obsessed as children, none of us ever ended up getting knocked up at a young age, none of us had sex when we were 12...we all waited till our late teens, we all wer smart and safe about it. Knowledge is power, so they say...and I think our knowledge about sex only helped us in life. I think its important for kids to know about that stuff, there'd be a whole lot less teen pregnancies and unwanted babies out there if paents werent so afraid of saying that word around their kids. SEX...S-E-X....say it with me now SEX
Say it loud and proud!.....SEX!!!!!

Ebates, fashion and fun...oh my!

Did anyone catch the insanity this morning on the Today show?...right around 9:30ish this morning they showed a segment called "Jills Steals and Deals". Whats the big deal, right? I mean the Today show does segments like that all the freakin time...WRONG...and boy am I glad I rushed to my computer when I did.
And I definitely got the best deal available...A Gemma Redux Necklace...retail price $300+...I got it this morning for $36 (I think thats what I paid)...massssive discount code...I ordered the Jessica necklace, which I cant seem to find anywhere online at the moment because they completely sold out within an hour or so....so much that they had to change the deal AFTER I already paid for mine...they had such an insane mass of hits to their site and sold out so quickly that they simply had to change it to a 50% off code. Gemma Redux


heres a sample of this designers stuff:


Seriously badass stuff!

In addition to the Gemma Redux jewelry (which by the way...how can you not love?! if you're into rocker chic like I am, its right up your alley!)

They also had a massive sale on these DL 1961 jeans
Sadly, after hours of trying to refresh my page, and only 3 successful attempts to make it into my shopping bag with a pair of $36 jeans...I didnt get to buy anything...their website was screwey...too many people trying to purchase at once...and as soon as I got to my shopping bag, my item would dissapear and get snatched up by someone else (Eventhough the shopping bag said I had 20 minutes to purchase...ahem, SOMEONE needs to work on their websites promises)
Anyways, they had a pretty nutso sale...by 2pm or so, they had just completely removed the sale from the site, probably because they were running out of merchandise.
you can check it out here (eventhough I'm mad at their crappy site for screwing me over and over again this morning. The only thing I like getting screwed by is a man!): DL1961
Anyways, thats not all!
I'm going on a 2 week cruise in January...and if you're not already a member of the US version of . If you dont know about this site...its the last call/clearance site for . Anyways, its over now...but they had a crazy sale too, 80% off their already discounted prices...then today they discounted an additional 20% from that!
So what did I take home? 2 super hot bikinis by the MAJORLY expensive JG4B designer:


I got both bikinis for $50 all together!!!! One was marked all the way down to $20, and the other $30. MADNESS. These two both originally retailed for $175. AMAZINGNESSSS

So it was a happy shopping day in Lexi Land...and I actually managed to send out my resume to 5 or 6 places too. I also applied for a job at Geico...hey! Whats a girl to do? I have to support my shopping habit somehow!

oh wait! thats not all. Heres the best part...after all my shopping madness today, I finally west downstairs to check my mail...sure enough I recieved a check...from Ebates.com!
Are you a member of Ebates? if you're not, you need to be! Everytime you shop online, you just go to their site first....find the link for the store you want to shop at, click it...and proceed shopping as usual! For every single purchase you make, you get a percentage back...and 4 times per year they cut you a check in the mail for what you've made back. Theres no catch, its nuts!
I've included my invite link below for anyone interested...its totally worth checking out, and a great way to make some of your hard earned money back. Today I got a check for $50+!!! Pretty sweet, all that for shopping.
The only downside is wondering how much I had to spend all together in order to get $50 back. Yikes! EBATES.COM

Overall, a good day....especially since I was feeling gross and bloated on my period.
On that note-
Cheers!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Movie Videos & Movie Scenes at MOVIECLIPS.com

This past week I masturbated to Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It was a particularly lonely Thursday night, I smoked a little pot, watched 500 Days of Summer, my current favorite movie...and masturbated to my current favorite man. I mean, hes got the 'i forgot to brush my hair, but i wake up looking this hot' look, the guy CAN sing, in the movie hes a totally adorable dresser, and in the movie he knows shes 'the one' for him, must be nice to have a guy be that sure about it...of course it doesnt work out for them in the movie, but whatever, and in real life hes a nice Jewish boy from CA...whats not to like?

Am I "The One"?

When my pet rabbit is angry or annoyed, she stomps her hind legs down and it makes a loud thump. She does this when we are in the bedroom and shes out in the hall and knows shes not allowed to come in, she does this whens hes lonely and wants attention, she does this when shes upset or scared. So why is it that a rabbit can express herself with one loud thump, and human beings cant be as forthcoming as a little bunny?
I have spent the past 48 hours crying my eyes out. Well, let me put that differently...I have spent several hours within the past 48 hours crying my eyes out. I've cried myself to sleep 2 nights in a row, I cried m whole car ride home 2 days ago, I cried basically all night last night while watching sappy love movies. I'd say I've spent a good 4-5 hours crying in the past 48 hours...thats a significant chunk, right? I mean, I went out all day yesterday with old camp friends in the city and I didnt cry while I was there...although part of my brain wanted to, but I didnt...so thats good, because who wants to see some chick with black mascara running down her cheeks walking down the streets in Soho?
What do you do when you realize that the life you thought you had, and the places it was headed...may have just been a fantasy? I was better off 1 month ago, before I started asking questions. Why couldnt I just be satisfied with ignorant bliss? I was happy thinking that I knew where my relationship was headed. We have a big 2week cruise coming up in January, and while everyone else's comments havent helped "oh hes definitely going to propose on the cruise", says my mother, friends, extended family, I really started believing it too. Not just because other people thought thats what would happen, but because I thought (and still DO think) that hes 'the one'. Why shouldnt he be? We have similar senses of humor, our personalities click, we can have intelligent conversations, hes been my shoulder to cry on. We love eachother. We love eachother, right? right? dont you love me? dont you think I'm 'the one'? No...not THINK....dont you KNOW I'm 'the one'?! Its been over 3 years, if you dont know now, will you ever know?
I dont think he wants to marry me. I KNOW for sure its not happening on this cruise we're going on, and hes so completely entirely focused on my finances, and my work situation, it seems to be all he cares about. My finances? my employment situation? Is that what most people base an engagement around? And hes critical about it, so critical, and yet he hasnt made a single move in 6 years to change his shitty work situation. I have money, I have money that I have no intention of touching, I'm getting unemployment right now...who cares if I take advantage of the system for a couple of months and relax? Apparently he does. I have every intention of finding work in the coming weeks, months...whenever I can find it, but is it a crime that I relax a bit, spend some time trying to figure out where I want to go next? I mean, hes barely spent more than a couple of minutes in the past 6 years trying to figure out where hes headed next.
It appears that while I may not have a man with commitment issues, I certainly have a man who doesnt know how to make any kind of life changing decisions.
So where did this lead me? An ultimatum. I dont know if he even took it seriously, but I can tell you for sure, I wasnt joking. If I'm not engaged by April, we have to break up. In April we will have been together for over 3 and a half years...if thats not enough time to decide if you want to marry me, nothing will be. I cant wait till its 4, 4 and a half, 5, 5 and a half years so he can make a life changing decision and figure out if he wants to marry me. If he doesnt know by april, he never will...and money, employment, that stuff should matter. If anything, he only has the right to get on my case when/if we get engaged...until then, its MY money, my employment situation. It shouldnt matter to him. It certainly shouldnt be a determining factor if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. If you love me, really really love me, you'll want to spend the rest of your life with me, PERIOD.
But I dont think he does. The older we get, the faster the days and months fly by. Our cruise will be upon us in no time, it'll fly by in moments, then cliche Valentines day, which I know hes much to creative to propose on, then its March, then April...and thats it. I'm going to be 28 in April, if the man I'm with now, who I've loved more than anything else on this planet for the past 3 years doesnt know what he wants by then....than I need to go out and start looking for someone who will know. I'm getting too old to wait around while everyone else I know is getting engaged, married, having babies. If I'm really not 'the one' for him, then I need to know sooner rather than later, so I can start making some life decisions for myself, if hes too afraid to make any on his own.
I love him, hes the only person I could ever imagine myself with, the only person I've ever met who makes me really happy, the only person who makes me laugh and makes me feel safe. But if he doesnt feel the same...I need to know.
Or maybe I just need to up my meds...who knows?



"So if I stumble
And if I fall
And if I slit now
And loose it all
And if I can't be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me"
~Alexi Murdoch

A Flapper Halloween

Alright, enough depressing shit going on here. Lets turn over a new leaf for the month of November.
So how was Halloween? For me it was drunk, yet very fashionable. Taking my outfit inspiration from Boardwalk Empire...I was a flapper...but not a costume store-bought flapper...no no, that just wont due. I'm someone who prefers to work with thats already in my closet to make the perfect Halloween costume. Anyways, I wore a vintage sequin dress with thousands of beads and sequins all over it, and beaded fringes hanging from the bottom. Of course I had to purchase a little flapper style head-piece, since not many people just happen to have one hanging around the house, so I opted for a simple black headban with a large feather sticking out the top, and a beaded silver piece to hold the feather in place. It worked.
The rest of the costume came from closet dell' Alexis as well...thigh high fishnets, with the prettiest lace at the tops (believe it or not, they are my favorite thigh highs i own-and I own lotsssss...being a sex-a-holic, and I purchased them at a Sex store in Portland, OR!!!), a black patent mary-janes by Via Spiga. In fact, the patent maryjanes are a dead-on looalike to the Manolo Mary Janes made famous from Sex and the City. I own a pair of purple Manolo patent Mary Janes, and when I put the Via Spiga ones next to them you'd think they were from the same designer. I wore long satin gloves that almost reached my shoulders, and carried a long cigarette holder. I totally nailed the look!
Here's a little picture of the final product:


Anyways, what else? Looks like fall has arrived in NYC, the weather had been lovely up to late October, and then the day before Halloween weekend we got hit with some major cold. MAJOR BUMMER. I'm still waiting for my boyfriend to agree to move to Florida...a place more affordable, sunny, warm, with palm trees and blue oceans...tick tock tick tock...waiting for him to leave his shitty job...tick tock tick tock. My mother is down in FL right now, looking for possible places to move to...she says shes seen some of the most AMAZING rental condos ever...and for the most insane pices...EVER...3 floor condo with 2 balconies off the back, with a garage, washer dryer, in a gated community with pool, tennis courts and gym....$1350 per month!!!!! We're paying $1300 per month right now to live in a 2 bedroom that was built in 1935, and we have to deal with listening to the most psychotic old landlords downstairs screaming "FUCK YOU" at one another ove and over again, all day long! I hate our landlords....what I would give to escape to Florida and live in a place like what my mom has been looking at. Shes currently living in a tiny 2 bedroom in a 2 family house with a bitchy, shitty landlord on the other side who cant bother to get the heat turned on during freezing cold days. And she pays $1650 for that abuse.
Get the hell outta Dodge, thats what I say. What could possibly be bad about moving to a warm sunny location, with affordable rent...AND affordable places to buy in the future?! A place to swim everyday? Tennis? balconies to enjoy the sun? Whats wrong with all that? I dont think there's anything wrong with it....but ask my boyfriend, cause hes the only thing I'm waiting on to pick up my shit and move. We'd be healthier, more active people down there...I know it, he knows it, my mother knows it, half my famiyl who has moved to Florida all seem to know it...and half of HIS friends who have moved to Florida seem to know it as well...so how long till my other-half clues in?!
Maybe after our 2 week cruise in January, to all of these tropical islands...maybe that will be the final push....probably the day we arrive back home in New York...when its gray and cold, thats when he'll clue in...look where we WERE in the tropical bliss of the south....and look what we get to return to!
We shall see

Life's a Bitch

My heart is breaking for my close family friends. Their son (who is only 18) is dying from Chordoma...benign tumors that grow rapidly around the brain and spinal cord. As of this week, he is no longer able to swallow foods...and as a result, he has made the decision for himself NOT to have a feeding tube put in. He has requested a 'do not resuscitate' order. He told his parents hes ready. To be 18 and ready to die? How terrifying a thought. I remember him as a baby when he was born. My mother and his mother have known eachother since they were kids. And now shes losing her kid. It feels like it goes against everything I know, everything I believe in. I believe in science, and nature and people doing good and being good to one another...and that some way or another, everyone will eventually get whats coming to them...good or bad. Karma? not really, as a dont believe in god, or a higher power...I guess I just hoped that was the way the world worked, that nature would take its course and make things right. Guess not...which I suppose is WHY I've never been a believer. Because, as much as we all want to feel like if we are good people, something will come our way in return, it doesnt usually turn out that way. Sometimes life is full of shit. What could an 18 year old kid have done in his life to deserve an early grave like this? Nothing! This kid worked his ass off in highschool, despite the fact that he had this illness...took several months off from school to be home schooled in a hospital bed in Boston...and STILL gradutated at the top of his class...on time! For what? What was it worth? He got into a great college, that he will never get to go to, because instead...hes going to die at home on Long Island He'll never have the chance to go out and act like a drunken fool, to get laid at a party and perhaps regret it the next day, to fail a course, to meet a girl and fall in love....he'll never get to experience the silly things we take for granted each day...because in the next two weeks, he will die...in his bed, at home...with his parents staying by his side every single moment. For what? thats all I keep asking myself. Whats the point of it all? Are we learning some grand lesson from all of this? I've learned enough lessons to last me a lifetime. I've been through cancer in my family 3 times! Divorce! Car accidents, Brain injuries, murder suicides! And wheres the lesson? what will his family and close friends have to gain from this experience of watching their loved one die a young death? NOTHING.

When I was very young, young enough not to take it seriously...my mother taught me the most important lesson I could have ever learned. LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Thats what she told me, and she made sure to tell me when I was young. And at that young age I laughed. But its not funny. In fact, theres nothing funny about it...because its completely true. Bad people have good things happen to them, good people have bad things happen to them, bad experiences dont neccessarily carry a life lesson with them, and good experiences dont always last. Maybe thats what we have to really learn...all of us. Life simply isnt fair, and theres nothing that you or I can do to change that. We can look for the lessons, look for the words to heal ourselves and others, but sometimes they just dont exist. Nothing is there to be learned, and nothing is there to be said. In all reality, whomever was the first to say it may have really hit the nail on the head....Life's a bitch, and then you die.

Things I'd like to forget

Lots of people have a strong connection between scent and memory, I however, have a strong connection between songs and memory. Sometimes it can be a good thing, suddenly being put right back where I was at the exact moment I hard that song 10 years ago. But most of the time its a curse. Nothing is worse than being out somewhere enjoying yourself, and suddenly, without warning...a song comes on that reminds you of a place, a time, a person...that you have no interest in thinking of.

In the past 24-48 hours, I have experienced this several times. So to pay homage to my former ghosts, here is a list of songs that have a negative connotation in my mind.

1. Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
2. Anything from John Mayers first two albums, including random live recordings early in his career
3. Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley
4. Anything by The Tragically Hip
5. Loser by Three Doors Down
6. Waste by Phish
7. Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer
And many more!
Ha, of course most of the issues I have with my music memories are rooted in the men I have dated/hooked up with in my past. But nothing kills a mood like being with the person you're currently dating, having a great night out...and BAM! one of those songs comes on. This is not to say I don't have some amazing memories connected to music. I've got great memories of Dave Matthews Band from Highschool, Billy Joel from my childhood, Ludacris from college. Its just funny, because all of the songs that connect me to good memories from my past all have nothing to do with the men of my past, in fact-they all remind me of the good times I've had with girlfriends and family.
There's also plenty of songs that I have great memories of things my current boyfriend and I have done...I just hope that one day I dont have to block those from my mind as well!

Puberty is a bitch

You know what I just noticed? My Hunter rainboots have a "Property of:______" thing inside of them, on the inside of the leg. Thats cute, I never noticed it before. Its not the only thing I've noticed lately. A lot of things are "irking" me lately. I'm not sure "irk" is the correct word...I don't know, things seem to be getting under my skin a bit. Maybe I need to up my Effexor dosage? For instance...all of these bullies and kids committing suicide and stuff, its really pissing me off. Not because I don't think it should be making news...it should, and it SHOULDNT have taken this long to come to light in the public eye. Whats bothering me is that no one did something sooner! Where was the public, and the teachers and the speakers against bullying when I was young? When I wold get off the bus in 7th grade and come home and cry and tell myself how ugly I was. Where was everyone then?! I mean, sure, I had my parents...but anyone who's been bullied knows that telling your parents about it isnt easy. How come no one was talking to my nasty-ass fellow classmates that its not nice to make fun of someones acne, or braces, or awful oily hair?! (Hey man, puberty was rough on me!)
And where was everyone when my sister was cutting herself because she was so tourmented by kids at school? What about 5th grade when the boys in class chanted that she was a "man, man, man, man!", how come the teacher did nothing but chuckle? My kid sister cut herself till she'd bleed! Why? I may never know. I can remember some occasions where I felt awful, maybe not to the extent she felt it...but I felt awful enough to look at myself in the mirror, tears streaming down my face because of the mean things people said to me, and I would smack myself in the face for being so 'ugly'. Sometimes I'd take my hair brush and push it down into my scalp really hard while brushing my hair, cause I felt like I deserved it for having such ugly hair. But I didnt cut myself. Thing have got to be pretty dark to go cutting yourself, right?
Life is weird. I think all of this bullying being in the news is important, but at the same time I feel somewhat resentful of it. Like, howcome no one stood up for me and my sis? And believe me, I didnt even have it that bad...there were others who had it worse than I did in my 7th grade classes. And I remember sometimes breathing a sigh of relief when they'd be picked on instead of me...maybe I could sit in the backround and go un-noticed. It wasnt all as bad as I make it out to be now. Really, it came down to a couple of really mean boys who made fun of my bad skin. But it scarred me pretty bad (not the acne, the bullying). I can only imagine how it feels to be gay and in 7th grade now...I probably would have done something drastic if it had been me in these kids shoes. I would have hurt myself, or someone else...being in the mental state I was in at that age. All those hormones going insane is hard enough on a kid, cruelty to top it off is torture.
I get angry when I hear these stories. Just today a couple Hicksville kids were arrested for beating up a boy on their bus because they thought he was gay. What has the world come to? Where are these peoples parents, and why arent they being taught to accept others as they are, as they look, as they sound, as they dress?
I'll say this, puberty is a bitch...its a bitch for most of us. Very few of us make it through puberty without acne, or weird body changes, or bad hair and glasses and braces. But each of us is just an ugly duckling...waiting to turn into a swan...thats what my mom always told me when I was a kid. Turns out it was true, it may have seemed harsh then, but now I'm happy she told me that, cause she was right.
Besides, one day we all have the pleasure of seeing karma come around...the kid who tortured me most in middle school....hes fat now...and his sister was murdered a few years ago. NOT SAYING I WISHED THAT ON HIM OR ANYTHING! I DIDNT. But like I said...karma. Do unto others as you'd have done to you.

The 30 year old virgin

Tonight I went out to dinner with all of my boyfriends friends for a birthday. I'd say the ages of people at the table were from 24-30. One of my boyfriends "aquaintences" is a 30 year old virgin...and sadly for him, he doesnt even remotely hold a match to Steve Carells character in the 40 yr old virgin. Hes got a terrible, very insecure personality. I guess no one was ever nice enough to him to feel particularly good about himself. My boyfriends friends all make fun of this guy...rip on him constantly...my boyfriend definitely doesnt do it nearly as much as the other guys. Probably that inner voice telling him that hes a good person and should treat others nicely....i suffer from that voice too-which is why i don't really say anything to this 30 yr old virgin.
But I have to say, he sets himself up for this crap. He actually confided in these guys that he humps his pillow...and then demostrated it for them-which opened him up to a whole new planet of ridicule. Then recently he apparently used an escort service/prostitute to lose his virginity. This guy actually paid a woman to de-flower him....and the idiot couldnt get it up. He blamed it on the fact that she wasnt pretty...but he had his pick of 10 girls and picked the one he found most attractive. WHY IS HE TELLING US THIS?! He tells everyone EVERYTHING about his personal life, and then complains when they harass him for it.
Hes a 30 yr old virgin and lives with his parents...yikes!!
The next time anyone on earth ever feels bad about themselves, they just should think about this guys life and then they'll feel way better.
If I was still a virgin at my age [27], I'd probably cry myself to sleep everynight.
Nah, not this girl...no virgin here. In fact, sadly...I was in a big hurry to rid myself of my virginity to the first asshole who came along. 2 weeks before my 18th birthday, I decided I had enough of being a virgin...I couldnt go to college being a virgin...that seemed like an impossible option to me. I'm not sure what the hurry was, maybe I thought if I had sex with this asshole I was hanging out with, maybe he'd WANT to be my boyfriend...maybe he'd feel guilty and HAVE TO be my boyfriend? Nah...turns out neither of those things were the case...turns out the only thing he wanted or had to do was leave...immediately after he fucked me. Annnnd boy did that FUCK ME UP. It took a couple years to figure out how to be a normal girl after the mindfuck this guy gave me. For a little while I tried his method when I got up to college....maybe if I fuck'em and leave'em, they'll fall desperately in love with me and want me more. It worked ever so slightly at first on one or two...but really it just got me the reputation of being a whore...and boy did some guys take advantage of that. I mean, I did too...don't get me wrong. I was a sex maniac in college. I seriously think I set masturbation records too. There were Saturdays and Sundays up in the frozen tundra where I went to school, where I wouldnt leave my dorm room allllll day (I didnt have a roomate). I would just chill out and have a full day of masturbation....from the moment i woke up, till i went to sleep.

So the question? Who's really crazy? The 30 yr old virgin, or the girl who at one point in time was trying to get to bang 30 guys in my lifetime?!?!?! (yes, seriously...I set a number goal for myself. I didnt get to my goal, but it was like a fucked up game for me for a little while)

Ah, fuck it....HES more crazy. I've settled down...and hes 30 and cant even jump start his love/sex life.
Poor guy...life is funny

Life, Love and Lacking

Just the other day I wrote a verrryyyy long and detailed blog entry about my fantastic and life changing trip to the west coast. As I was just finishing up the entry, my computer froze...I had to re-start and I lost the whole thing.

So I did what any normal girl would do...I threw a psycho fit, kicked the desk, screamed a bit...and then pulled it back together, bit my lip..and got over it.
So I waited about a week or so before I could return here without the painful memories of my lost entry.

Well, here I am. I'm not going to detail my trip...I did that already, and it was lost...not gonna go there again. I will say that it connected me to a creative and more spiritual side of myself. I've never seen anything quite like the rock formations on the west coast in nothern Cali. I've never seen 100-300 foot sand dunes before (which we went boarding down! Sand boarding is the new black). I saw seals and birds, and ate crab just about everywhere we went. We walked up and down the steep hills of SanFrancisco, and hiked up mountains. I saw rivers and waterfalls and bays and the ocean...but never like I've seen them before. It was a different kind of beauty. Not like the usual...which is tropical island beauty. This was rugged beauty. The kinds of things that are just there....and have been there for thousands and thousands of years...without question. I fell in love with the west coast. Even Oregon...Portland is an amazing city...very cool place.


I miss it all already. Its so different there than in NYC. In New York its a rat race, whoever can step on enough people on their way to the top wins! But on the West Coast...its all focused on local art, local farms, local music, local cuisine, local vineyards and breweries, local designers. Its such a simpler way of life. A REAL way of life. People support eachother and want to see others around them succeed.

Anyways. I'm no longer working in an OBGYN. It was mainly mutual. I told them I was completely miserable there and that I dreaded waking up in the mornings to show up there and be treated like I was born into a different caste. And on their side, they seemed just about sick of my outspoken lifestyle, and the fact that I could easily get the other girls in the office to rally behind me when it came to making decisions. Well, after I left...the girls DID in fact rally behind me. Aside from myself...they lost 3 other girls within 2 weeks of my departure. Seems like a message to me. Maybe those two bitchy doctors should pull their heads out of their deep dark cavernous asses and realize that they need to treat their staff better, treat people as equals, thank people for their help. GIVE RAISES that arent just 50 cents on the hour! What a slap in the face! I'd bash the whole practice right here, if I didnt feel I had to worry about being sued for it. Lets just leave it at this. The doctor who owns the practice cant be bothered to remember the names of the patients she delievered just hours earlier, she left behind 'products of conception' when doing a delivery AND a termination! And shes ALSO left gauze behind in patients. In my opinion, maybe the old bitch should retire before she gets sued by one of her patients. SICK SICK office. Bad energy all around.
Surprisingly...Danielle didnt follow me....she complains about how much she still hates it there, and how awful it is, and how the doctors are assholes...but shes still there. She drive 40 min everyday to go to work there after school. Amazing...I wouldve spit in their faces a long time ago if I were her.

Anyways...on the topic of love and lust...I'm trying to cope with the fact that EVERY single weekend, someone else on facebook gets married or engaged. I suppose that one of these days it will be my turn, but with each passing 'I do', I become more and more dishartened. Allow me to quote one of my favorite movies..."when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." ~When Harry Met Sally. Its true...if you are with someone, and you know you love that person, and you know theres no one out there who could possibly make you happier, then why wait? If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it, right Beyonce?! I just don't get it, an engagement doesnt mean that a wedding will be happening within months, or even a year. Engagement is the best part of everything. Its the time when you get to climb up on a mountain and say HEY WORLD! YA SEE THIS?! YOU SEE THIS PERSON RIGHT HERE?! I LOVE HIM/HER AND I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HIM/HER!!!!! Why wait on that? My other half blames the wait on financial reasons. He worries that I'm not going to be financially responsible, or that we wont be able to afford a great wedding, or that if he proposes NOW...and then quits his job...then what? I say SO WHAT?! If he proposes now, will love me any less 6 months from now? If we've made it together for over 3 years and been really really happy, isnt that enough? I admit, yes, I enjoy shopping...but I'd much rather save up for a life changing experience-like a wedding...if only he'd give me reason to. I just really really don't want to be one of those girls who are in a great relationship for 5, 6, 7 years and still have no ring to show for it...nothing solid saying 'its me and you...forever'.
Maybe its silly, lots of girls these days dont even want to get married, I use to be one of them. Maybe it was because I saw everything that could go wrong in a marriage by looking at my parents? I don't know. But somewhere between my last (awful) boyfriend and my current (wonderful) boyfriend, something changed...something clicked in my head. I want to get married, I want that title of husband and wife...forever. I think its because I really want to be with him forever. And for the first time in my life, I've found a guy who sticks around, who loves me the way I deserve to be loved. I see his parents, they're that way. They love eachother, they spend most of their time together. Thats a whole different ball of wax from the way my family was. My father couldnt find enough excuses to keep himself away from my mom. And I guess if thats what I was seeing while I was with my last boyfriend, then I probably had good reason not to be interested in marriage. But now I see how relationships CAN be, when two people really care about eachother, and really have things in common, and make eachother laugh, and who want to travel together and try new things together. I guess I didnt realize that real love could last between two people until I got together with my boyfriend.


I lust after Simon G. engagement rings!

We've just booked a cruise out of San Juan PR for the first two weeks of January. We're gonna do 3 nights in Florida before we head down there so my boyfriend can see his bestfriend from his childhood and his 98 year old grandmother.
Speaking of grandmothers...I just saw mine this past friday. She did a real bang-up job upsetting my mother about my dad and their divorce...saying something about how my mother, myself and my sister HAVE TO respect my father since he was the money earner in the family for a long time. My mother started yelling about how respect isnt just given, its earned. I threw back something about how my father went on vacation after I was released from the ICU after having a brain injury in a car accident and how he LOST my respect after he pulled that bullshit. My grandmother just wouldnt let up...on and on about how he deserves respect. Sorry granny...it takes more than money to gain my respect. You have to be a REAL man and a REAL father to gain any of that.
So that was a lovely little visit from her.
Anyways....alls well that ends well.

Such is life!

Usually when someone gets in trouble at work, they expect it. They know they've done something wrong. But today, I must say-I was completely blind-sided! The day went well, sat at the front desk, checked in patients. Found some annoying and some less annoying. But a pretty standard Friday. Didnt get to take a lunch, eventhough I was entitled to one, because my idiot office manager is awful at scheduling and never has enough front desk coverage on Fridays. So frequently...and without complaint-most of us have a lunchless Friday. From the moment we all walk in on Friday, we are all waiting for the moment the clock hits 3:00pm. Friday Early Day!
So thats all and well and fine. Had no issues with patients today, no attitude problems, or too much writing on the wax paper of the sign-in sheet. Nothing to make this day any different from every other Friday. Even the doctors laid off us. Not much of "is so-and-so here yet?", "has blah-blah-blah been checked in?". Basically your run-of-the mill work day.
So just as I'm clocking back in from my lunchless lunch-break (we have to clock out even if we dont take a lunch, because the time clock will deduct 30 min from your hours if you DONT take a lunch.), where I actually worked the whole time, rather than actually relax during my well-deserved break. One of the doctors approaches me on my way back over to the front desk. The head of the practice. She says to me, in her kindest of tones "Before you go, I'd like to have a quick word with you", all nonchalant. I didnt really think anything of it, aside from briefly joking with a coworker about how I'm always getting in trouble, and jokingly suggested that maybe they want to fire me.
Anyways, I walk back to her office, with the office manager folloing me. When that happens, it usually means I'M IN TROUBLE. So I was totaly confused. Was I in trouble? As I got into her office, they closed the door beind them and told me to take a seat. "What'd I do now?" I said half jokingly. And to my DISMAY, I recieved a serious answer to my half joking question. That they've noticed a "difference in me, in my behavior", that I've had a "bad attitude lately". REALLY? Lately? Seriously, for once-I didnt see it coming. For a brief moment when she mentioned a change in my attitude, I almost prepared myself for a compliment. In fact, as soon as she said that, I asked her "bad or good?", because I was seriously thinking I had been GOOD! Jeez, imagine that? I went in there half-thinking I was about to be complimented because I had been trying to stay in line lately...especially since the 1.5 review I got last month, and they were telling me that they have seen a change for the worse?! PRetty amazing, probably the farthest off I've ever been in my life about having a "good vibe" from someone else. I dont even think I've ever been that wrong about a "good vibe" about a man. Not even in 9th grade when I had a die-hard crush on Tommy from Manhattan and he just 'wasnt that into me'. At least Tommy was still my friend despite his lack of sexual interest or attraction to me. YIKES! This was like a 180-out-of-the-blue-HOLY-CRAP-I-CANT-BELIVE-I'M-HEARING-THIS kind of reation. I didnt yell or flip out. But I did ask for examplyes of my behavior...to which they couldnt give me any really GOOD ones. It felt like my review all over again. In fact, it felt like more than that...It felt like bullshit. It felt like they were trying to push me out, I dont know why-and I really don't know what I did to deserve it. But it really felt that way. I mean, do I still joke around about the 1.5 rating on my review? Yea, of course! And is it maybe a little inapropriate? Sure-but what else was I suppose to do? Cry about it? I make a joke of all the things in my life that make me miserable. A poor review rating, divorce, brain injuries, cancer. If it makes me upset, you can sure as hell bet that I am going to bring it up with friends and find a way to laugh about it. Thats who I am...and these people who run the office I work in should know that about me by now. I've been working there for over 2 years for christ sakes! Or is it just that? Maybe they hate that about me, that I try to make everything light and laughable-I'm not serious enough for Dr D? I make too many jokes to make my coworkers laugh at the front desk? They hired me because I am a likable person, I like to laugh and I like to find a lighter side to life. And now its become my biggest working fault? I dont know. Something about the whole thing today just didnt feel right. And it sucks, because I can never think things up on the pot when I'm being criticized. Its only once I got home, and REALLY thought things over that I started to get really mad. I didnt steal money or show up to work drunk. I didnt harass a patient? I didnt tell my office manager to go fuck herself. It was like they were looking for a target...tiny little holes to get into and rip me a new asshole.
I wonder what the look on my face looked like when they were talking to me. id they see the look of complete confusion on my face?
I felt like I was being threatened...for not even doing anything wrong.
Was it the call from my Neurologist that pissed them off? What? did they finally take a moment to discuss it amogst themselves and say 'that little bitch isnt going to get away with having her neurologist make excuses for her?!'
I HAVE A FUCKING BRAIN INJURY PEOPLE! Have some sensitivity! I mean-I know they have no sensitivity for their own patients, but jeez-I think they know me a little better than they know most of their patients. Im not just a number-I'm a 2+ year employee, who until recently was WORKING MY ASS OFF, BENDING OVER BACKWARDS, for doctors who pay me an insulting hourly rate!
So when I got home, once I stored up enough anger within myself...I took it all out on my resume...I updated it and started looking online for jobs. I wanted to at least make sure my resume was up to dat for CraigsList Sunday-when all the people post job listings! That way, Sunday evening-I can go onto Craigslist and with the push of a botton, send my resume out to ANYONE WHO WILL ACCEPT IT! Because at this point, ANYTHING would be better than being judged for who I am, by doctors who should have some kind of appreciation for me by now.
Such is life, right?
Or maybe the docs are on a kick...weeding out the old and in the new. What they don't know, is that my friend Danielle will follow me. Well, not so much follow-but she'll look for a new job. Shes like a little sister to me, and she wanted to quit on so many occasions, but stayed and told me it was because of me. Now go ahead...call me gullible. But if I didnt work with her, I'd barely see her. Imagine barely seeing someone that you look up to like a sister. Danielle is young enough, she doesnt need this job ether. She'd probably be a whole lot happier working somewhere closer to home...where she doesnt have to commute over 30 min for a part-time job. A place where she works with people around her age (18), rather than the 27 and older staff at my office. She has better things to do with her nights, like spending time with boyfriends. She'll leave because she'll be bored. Anytime I call in sick, she texts me non-stop because she hates not having me there. Shes the best "fill-in" sister I could ask for...since I see my REAL sis about once per week....if even that much.
I think its the dawn of a new day. I'll go in there Monday, happy and smiling and kissing ass...and I'll spend my nights searching monster.com and craiglist for the next job opportunity. I've been spinning my wheels in shit for too long at this place anyways. It'd just be a whole lot easier to leave if I didnt get along so well with my coworkers, I've sure come to like them. Now that we've all kinda united under one body of hatred...the management.

Like I said...such is life.

The Life and Times of Alexis

It seems my life has come to another turning point of sorts...sort of.

I think after 2 years at my job, I'm ready to find a new one. Its funny to think that switching to a new job changes your whole life...its just a job, right? But its moving from one group of crazy people to another. And crazy people on a daly basis has an affect on every aspect of your life. Plus, what if I were to change specialties? I've already done it once...changed from working for an Internist to an OBGYN, big change. I barely think about the old people in my life from a few years ago. In fact, Dr Schwarts snuck into my dream last night...completely weird and creepy. In my dream he had aged just as much as you'd expect an ALREADY old looking 47 year old man in 2007 to age in 3 years. A little balder, he was already totaly gray in 2007-so that cant look older, a little more spare tire around his golf t-shirt and belted khaki pants. He was totaly in love with me. Everyone thought so. And occasionally there was the weird awkward moment when he'd bring up sex life, and reproductive organs. Whenever his wife would stop by to visit, it was always an odd feeling around the office...like he couldnt full be himself when she visited. I wonder who he's moved onto now.
---ok, have to stop....this paragaph is getting too long---new paragraph for no reason!...---
Before me, there was another girl...a girl he was so obsessed with even after she was gone, that he kept a picture on the fridge of her in the back room. it was always there, even when his wife stopped by. He always made a joke of everything...probably so he wouldnt ever come across as a total stalker-but there were done wweeeeiiird fucking occasions. There was one night when he called me to find out how my date went with a guy I had met. Why are you calling me on a night that I'm not working, so you could talk to me? I bet he jerked off thinking about me. Ewl...he definitely did. I bet he jerked off right in his office upstairs from the examining rooms. He always said that he'd come to the office on weekends to watch football games and stuff because his wife hated it. But I bet that he also came there to watch porn and jerk off away from him wife.
EWL-I bet he fucked his wife in his office too. Not while anyone was there...but ewl, suddenly his upstairs office is going from office to creepy sex room-I worry for whoever is there now. OH MY GOD! He also had a shower and bathtub in that upstairs bathroom in his office. Ew ew..must stop thinking about this. Now I have this image of Larry David, in the upstairs bathroom, jerking off in the shower, thinking of me. Ew ew...Dr Schwartz was sooooo Larry David-spitting image!
I'd totaly write his whole name on here, since I dont work for him anymore...and let his patients and people googling the name find all this written...except....I could also see HIM googling himself. Maybe googling "Dr. D**** G. Schwartz and Larry David"...then he'd probably find this posting somehow...and I bet it would get him off to see me white this crap.
Blech. That whole rant creeped me out. New topic. Ha, Oh where was I?

Anyways...so back to turning points. My relationship with my boyfriend has gotten serious. Its weird, you know-the first year of living together didn't feel serious. I mean, it still felt very boyfriend/girlfriend, but after a year, I really feel like 'ok, it appears that you and I may really be spending the rest of our lives together.' And I think only recently it really hit him too. Something in his behavior has changed. Less of the feeling that the word "marriage" is off limits to say. Seriously talking about where we want to move to together. Its such a strange feeling when that happens-it feels more adult...and with each day, I'm trying harder and harder play naive. Bills, work, car payments, tickets, going a few too many days without having sex. Is this adulthood? Its true, there was a large chunk of my life where sex was all I wanted, alll the time...but even that doesnt seem to be holding true for me anymore. Is it my Effexor? Has it finally gone from affective to defective? Is it a brain developement thing?...I always thought our brains were done developing around 24 or so...but maybe not? Maybe things change all along. Maybe its part of the life progression? You know, Infant, toddler, child, adolescence, teen, young adult, adult, mother, retiree, grandmother, elderly?
I guess I'm somewhere between that adult and mother area. Not quite ready for "mother" per se, but maybe I'm starting to come to the end of just being an adult? I dont know...it makes no sense. I just sometimes worry that somehow I'l loose that weirdness, the quirkiness, those oddities that make me who I am.
...And then at the same time, I question how a REAL adult is suppose to behave aldultlike, but also like a complete idiot. Am I going to turn into the Weird Al of motherhood? Possibly, if I continue the way I am. But thats what I love most about me, and I think thats what most people love about me...aside from Dr Duncan. I dont know how much of my weirdness is how I have always been, and what might have added to it from my Traumatic Brain Injury. Was I this weird pre-car accident? I cant remember. I cant remember much of who I ws at all back before then. I feel as thought something in my mind has changed though since the accident. My mom says she sees it too. But was it the TBI, or would I have just changed this way as I aged no matter what? A lot has changed in the past 4 years, the whole way I view relationships, the whole way I view my family, the whole way I view responsilibity....are these natural life changes? I mean, if it werent for the accident-would my parents be getting a divorce? I dont blame myself...I just wonder the what-ifs. And then, if they hadnt gotten divorced, would I be as cynical as I am now about marriage, and cheating, and splitting up lives? When Blakes parents divorced...from my angle, it looked so easy. But now living it, its not. I mean, Blakes situation was different than mine though, Blakes mom kept the house, her dad moved to a nearby town in a beautiful appt. A little different than the way things worked out for my family. Sold the house cause they couldnt afford it anymore, dad downgraded to a small college point apartment, mom is in an apt thats about 1/4 the size of the house i grew up in...and both my parents are not doing well financially. Weird.
I guess you cant wonder "what if?", its a dangerous route to follow. You could end up depressing yourself...A LOT, believe me..i've done it. Thank god for Valium, right?

So, back to the work thing. I need to change jobs. The management of my office has gotten completely out of control. The office manager acts like shes some important person, like we're all there to serve her. Yo, asshole...you're not a FUCKING doctor, you're a biggot, republican, big mouth, chunky assed, bitch. Of all the girls in my office, none of us have previous experience in a doctors office where the office manager watched you like a hawk, had her own little bubble to work in, and would constantly come in and check on your working. Actually...I lied. Gina, from Elmont Open MRI...Oh what a fucking whore. She was a real asshole. My biggest regret is not saying to her face what I thought about her. Shes was worse than my current office manager. Gina was the fucking devil whore. She had this annoying litle latina accent too, whe'd try to talk all cute too, it made me sick. She would come over to us and ask if we're working "RrrrvvvvRrrrvvvv, like Speedy Gonzales", she thought being cute would make people like her. She fooled some, but not me. I knew that cunt bitch had it out for me about a month into my employment at that place. And when I started becoming friendly with the whole office...as they were merging with another company, she hated that. She hated the company that was taking over HER office, she had worked there for something like 8 years, and they were coming in and giving her orders now-because the owner sold the place to L.I.R.A (Long Island Radiology Assoc.). It was such a joke, I remeber Gina telling me that I had to talk to certain people that worked there in a certain tone...like the owners daughter Emily something? I forget her name, I'd totaly put it in here if I remembered it, what the fuck do I owe these people now? They mae my life miserable and the land-of-internet should be able to know about it.
Gina Gina Gina...Gina Sazzaci? Sassaci? Sasaki? That might be it, her name may have been Gina Sasaki. What a cunt. Anyways, I was trying to be friendly to everyone, I was hired just as the two companies were murging, so why should i hold anything against ANY of the new people I was going to be working with? But Gina reaaaallly wanted me to hate them...and I didnt. I forget who the blonde chick was that was REALLY running the show...these names escape me...and its only been 2 years. Anywho, on one occasion, as a punishment for what Gina refered to as "offending the whole front desk staff, and everyone complains about me and doesnt want to work with me", she stuck me in the billing office...to put together the paperwork for everyone for the day. She put me in a spot facing the wall and told me if I talked to anyone I was in trouble. She wanted me to quit. She was a NAZI. She would sit in her office downstairs and watch me on the camera at the front desk. I'd be pulling at split ends and she'd call me on my extention and whenI'd answer she'd say in her little high pitched FAST speaking Latina accent "Eh,AlexisItIsNotAppropriateToPlayWithYourHairAtTheFrontDesk". And I'd look around like WHAT THE FUCK!? She got a lot of people to dislike me too. This Nicole girl...Nicole Zichichi, she went from pretending to be my best friend the first 2 months working together, she'd call me on the ohone blah blah blah. About 2 weeks before I was fired (which was also the day AFTER Cunty Sasaki stuck me in the corner facing the wall like a 5 yr old), Nicole stops talking to me, ignores me completely. Not just ignores me...the chick pulls a "Jenna" as I like to call it, and acts like shes 5, like she'd laugh and pretend to be having a good time, and she'd look over at me while she was doing it. Like she was trying to shove it in my face. Nevermind the fact that she was like 3 yrs older than me at the time...whacko! So Nicole and Gina joined forces.
After the day of my firing, which I believe was probably a set up, I later found out that Gina got in trouble for going about firing me the way she did, because now that the company was owned by someone else...she had to go through THEM before making any decisions like that.
And within a month of her firing me...Gina was fired as well. SWEET WONDERFUL KARMA.
When I started a new job, I feared Gina so much, that the first thing I did was check the computer to make sure she wasnt a patient there. She lived on the boarder of Great Neck and Little Neck...so it is entirely possible for her to go to an OBGYN in the LIJ area. Fuck it, I hope Gina's uterus rots and falls out of her. Ugh....sooooo soooo regret not going to her face and calling her a cunt and saying EVERYTHING I thought about it. Maybe I should look her up on facebook and drop her a note? Cant hurt me now.

Ah, this has become quite the employment walk down memory lane.
And so...as I said, I think its time to move onward and upwards from here. I've got enough experience in the medical field at this point to have a sweet looking resume going. Its been a total of 4 years all together. 3 offices in 4 years, but I did a little over a year with Schwartz, and now over 2 years with this OBGYN The radiology experience was a terrible one, at that, and I only use it as a reference to what computer system I leanred while I was there. Other than that, it was worthless. Plus, I dont have a contact there anymore, LIRA came in and fired the entire original open MRI staff. Which is kinda laughable in retrospect.

Blech, an old friend just IMed me...one that I am going to be spending ALL of next weekend with at a wedding in Georgia. I've known him and his wife since I was 11....and I liked both of them a hell of a lot more when I was 11 too, now all they talk about is money, and trips and what they own...its gross.
See....just anothr example of that transitioning as you grow up...except, Im really happy I didnt end up like that. I'd rather have people say they think I'm off my fucking rocker, than that I'm a stuck up prick. Crazy people are more fun anyways.

Stoned, slutty, messed up girl

I am so stoned right now, and totaly sure that this is the perfect time to update this thing. Its been months, and I have about 1 follower...but whatever....who cares?

So I smoked like 4 bongs...alone...jeez...because I had to work late on Cinco de Mayo...and now I decided to celebrate on my own...because I know my boyfriend is coming home drunk tonight, and him getting drunk, and me being sober sucks.

So here I am...sitting in my hallway with my laptop with my Rabbit Stringbean....who I am fairly certain has gotten some kind of contact high, because shes totaly acting stoned. First I spent about 20 minutes watching her groom herself...which is the funniest thing stoned....because then you start thinking 'what would it look like if a human being did that?....I can understand a human being licking a finger...or part of a hand or something...but imagine if human beings sat there for like 20-30 minutes just licking up their arm,on their knee, bottom of their foot.

ok...pause....because now Stringbean is in her cage, and I am leaning against the wall just outside the room, and I swear I just heard her burp...weirdest noise ever.

Anyways, back to human beings licking themselves...and imagine if they were covered in hair.....i cant even see myself licking my hair that falls in front of my face.

My phone just went off...my boyfriend just texted me. He says "hey baby"...10pm...::hes drunk::....i'm stoned so I wrote back "hi hunnybug"...lets see what he wants, i bet he wants me to look up train times for him to take home. Thats the eneral routine...hes out at a loud bar, so rather than call me...he texts....because hes incapable of keeping the stupid phone # saved in his phone for the train times....and because he'd hate to have to leave the bar for a moment to go outside to call that #...even if he had saved it....god forbid he miss 1 moment of drinking or partying on a weeknight.

buzzz.....just got another text from him...this time he says "Whatcha doing? I should be leaving in a half hour or so". When he says hes leaving a party or bar in a half hour...that usually means he'll be leaving in 2 hours. "ok baby", I wrote back. Its easier to just say "ok" to him when hes drunk than actually tell him that I HATE HATE HATE when he says "half hour" and it means 2 hours when hes drunk...when he drinks I feel like he competely forgets about me, and having any respect for my time. And then I think about our future...and I worry that this is how my dad was when he and my mom dated before getting married? And was she just a wild party girl too? And she just didnt see that he'd never grow out of it once they got married or had kids? He still hasnt stopped drinking. Hell drink his money, his family and kids, and his life away....alcohol and screwing around with my friends are #1 priority in my life.
Jeez....good luck to my dads current girlfriend (not to be confused with his last [known] girlfriend....that Quartuccio chick from when I was 14. Sneaky bastard. And its so funny, because the second you call him out on something, he would just cover it up and hide it. Wonder if his new girlfriend knows THAT about him? When I was a kid and found his porn stash and showed all my friends and my mom found out and told him to get rid of it...he didnt do that either, he just kept moving his hiding pplace....which I found evertime....because they had a sneaky ass daughter too. And the time I found pot under his bed...and a pipe....told my mom about that, h just moved the hiding spot and denied it to no end. Then I found his emails that he SAVED (helllooooo, were you asking to get caught?!) on his computer that he gave to me in 9th grade...he got a nice new computer, so he gave me his....tons and tons of DETAILED affiar emails back and forth that he saved with that Quartuccio chick. DETAILED. Yuck....and I read them.....and I told my mom about it after days of stressing over it....and when my dad got home she confronted him and said "I dont give a shit who you want to stick your dick in...but the fact that our 14 year old daughter was the one to find out about it makes me sick". He gave a bunch of excuses and said it was harmless and his 14 year old daughter just "didnt understand it, and it was all jokingly"
DID HE THINK I WAS A FUCKING IDIOT 14 YEAR OLD?! NO...IM THE SAME FUCKING 14 YEAR OLD THAT HAS BEEN CATCHING YOUR ASS WITH BAD SHIT SINCE I WAS 5 YEARS OLD! IM A SMART FUCKING 14 YEAR OLD.
Yea dude...my dad fucked me up mentally.
Even now....hes in his mid 50s, i'm almost fucking 30, and he still wont be honest. Eventhough its all in the past...I ask about his affair...'what affair?' he didnt have one!-thats what he claims. What about his years and years of major drug use? Being a complete pothead....doing massive amounts of coke in the 70s, dropping acid all the time?! No no....he was never "heavy into drugs...I was a drinker" RRRIIGHTTTT, because I know "drinkers" occasionally dabble in a little heroin use.
Wait wait? whats that dad? Didnt know I knew about your heroin use? YIKES!

:::::take a moment to appreciate the massive internet meltdown of Alexis' life as she sits in her hallway stoned off her ass and watching her bunny lick itself:::::

Phew...that was quite the transition I had there just now. From Jason drinking to the pile of lies and bullshit my father fed me my whole life. I'm sure there will be a hell of a lot more of this in future posts. You get to know me...I get to know you.

So I am pretty certain that one of my coworkers is gay...a lesbian..obviously...since its an ALL FEMALE OBGYN. Jeez. awful idea. listen to me public....the key to success is definitely NOT getting an entire staff of women. Ive been working there so long that its hard to remember what working with men is like. I'm probably better off that way...with my track record of becoming attracted to coworkers and classmates-I'd be in a lot of trouble keeping my relationship in check. I know that about myself. In any situation where I am around new man who I've just met that ARENT my friends...I ALWAYS have tried to push its limits. From Eric, to Mike, to Dennis, to Chris, to Steve, to Frank, I cant be trusted around men sometimes, my past speaks for itself...
I dont regret my past. I fucked A LOT of guys....totaly messed up, I know-but I couldnt help it. Most people wont admit to being sluts....most women, at least....but I wear it like a badge of honor-I'm proud. It was the most amazingly fun crazy time of my life. I wouldnt trade anything for that. Each -slut session- lastest for about a year and a half...first BEFORE Steve....then between Steve and my current boyfriend (hopefully fiance in the next year). I fucked everyone from the moment I ended things with Steve, till the day Jason and I decided to be exclusive and serious. I was out of control, which is why I need to be tied down to train myself to chill. If I'm not tied down, I slut it up...hell, if I wasnt with my current boyfriend, I'd probably be fucking someone in the back of their car somewhere. I love sex with random people, and I love fucking someone I barely know...its sooooo exciting.
Its awful, and I know people dont agree and think I'm just a whore....but until you've done it...you cant judge, because its such an addictive rush to fuck someone new-you have no idea how fun it can be.
I'm not ashaimed...most people on this planet probably wont even experience as much fun as I did back in those days. Perfect time of my life to do it too. It began at 18...went till just before I turned 20. Then I was tied down and totaly 100% well behaved while I was in a relationship....then AS SOON as I got out of one (right before I turned 23. Then I spent another year and a half whoring it up...and then met my current boyfriend a little after turning 24.
But each one was soo fun...and I remember ALL of them. Such OUT OF CONTROL memories. And there were plenty that I fooled around with, but never fucked. So if you count vaginal, oral, and anal sex.....I've completely lost count of partners to b honest....I could probably figure it out with some good pot, a pen, a piece of paper, and a good hour or so to think about it. But my guess is its about 30 men in total...something like that.

But hey man....I'm my fathers daughter...its genetics...he was/is a whore....so some of that had to rub off on me...especially when I found hardcore porn in my dads possesion when I was 5 years old....what kind of person was I expected to grow up to become, when those are some of my earliest life memories? It'd take a massive amount of therapy, maybe even some shock therapy to get throught o what kind of damage that caused me as a 5 year old...thats when a humans brain learns the most stuff...I was like a spoung absorbing information a that age....and THATS what I find and learn about?!
Hell...I found one picture in a magazine of a guy eating our some chick...and the GUY had a tounge ring!...HELLO!!! I had a tongue ring from age 15-22! HMMM, ya think that might have been imprinted onto my brain that THATS sexy?! I started masturbating at age 5! WHAT?! you say?!.....YES, thats right...age 5!
I would take my "blankey"....squish it into a ball....lay on my bed with it between my legs...and hump the shit out of that thing alllll night!
Yea...thanks again dad for not turning me into a totaly sex crazed maniac person from age 5!
I am trying to break the family mold though...I will not cheat....I will not cheat....I will not cheat. I'll look, I'll gander, I'll bump into intentionally, I'll make eye contact, I'll mabe even chat it up...and yes, occasionally I'll flirt a little...but I know my boyfriend is out there doing the same...what man wouldnt? Anytime a man is away from his girl...he flirts....I mean, jesus...they go to strip clubs! If thats not crossing the "flirting" line, I dont know what is...having a woman rub her breasts in your face?! Yea...I think flirting and talking to an attractive guy at a bar isnt so bad compared to that! Gotta break it down and be realistic. You cant say that a girl being a flirt while in a relationship is worse than a guy in a relationship going to a club and having a girl rub her tits in your face and grind her ass against your cock is jussst fine. No no...sorry sorry...it doesnt work that way. When I'm at a bar flirting, the guys cock is not making contact with any part of my body...and neither are his nipples....cant say the same for you men at stripclubs, can I?




On that note. I bid you farewell for another crazy day in the life.
Kiss kiss

Frozen Solid Valentine-Part 1

So my boyfriend and I made the long car trip up to Quebec Canada for our Ice Hotel experience. We went with his brother and a few other couples. Such a fun weekend, despite all the driving.
We got up bright and early (or should i say "dark and early"?)on Saturday morning, around 4:30 am, and left the house by 5:15 am to begin our long drive. It was a very familiar drive for me, considering that I used to make the long treck up through the Adirondack Mountains to get up to SUNY Potsdam for school. This was just a longer version of that same trip. If I can make it from Long Island to Florida by car, I can handle NYC to Quebec City. The drive UP was actually quite entertaining. We all talked a lot about music and shared funny stories of school and travel. It helped the time pass. Of course, my boyfriend and his brother can always find something to talk about. I made it up to Quebec (10 hour trip) sans naps, stayed up the whole time. The shit coffee from the rest stop Dunkin Donuts probably helped a bit. They didnt even accept Dunkin Donuts gift cards, whats with that crap?! And believe me, nothing is lovlier than interacting with a person who clearly hates their miserable 5am job at the Dunkin Donuts rest stop. We certainly didnt get service with a smile. Not my fault thats where they ended up in their lives. There are plenty of days that I hate my job, but I dont take it out on our patients! These guys were schmucks. Anyways...lost my train of thought...bad coffee. PERIOD.
Of course we all experienced the unnecessary jitters of crossing the US/Canadian boarder, as though we were smuggling heroin, or Mexicans across the boarder or something. Whats with that? we're totaly innocent, we know we have nothng to hide, and yet somehow these boarder people still have the ability to intimidate you. I wonder if they had to take classes on intimidation. Luckily we werent detained or questioned or anything, and easily passed the boarder with flying colors.

Canada...Jeez, what a lovely country. Nothing is a less welcoming sight than miles (or should I say kilometers?) and miles of absolutely nothing. It was desolate. We passed a couple factories, a few warehouses, and a couple randomly scattered mountains...but other than that....flatness, flatness surrounded by nothingness, and topped with plenty of grayness. Who the hell planned out the settlement of this country?! The look of it after crossing the boarder is enough to make someone want to turn around and go home.
What worse is that its hours and hours between cities. Theres no suburban towns lining the streets between cities as you find in the US. In fact, its much like driving through the great planes of the USA, nothingness on top of nothingness...a random farm house, thats it. A misery of a drive. If you can afford the luxuries of flying to Canadian cities, I suggest you do it. The drive is worthless, you wont be passing any beautiful rivers, large canyons, amazing landmarks. At the most, maybe you'll catch a local Canadian on a snowmobile.

Anyways, Quebec City sneaks up on you...suddenly you see it in the distance, you cross a bridge with the most fantastic scenery, frozen over rivers below, blue frozen waterfalls-beautiful. And all the beauty comes out of no where, after hours and hours of driving through crap.
The city itself is amazing, manicured streets with lovely homes. Suburbs surrounding the city itself, big old official looking buildings. Perfectly plowed streets. If theres one thing those Canadians know how to do well..its plow! (Nothing like a good old generalization about Canadians)
We got to our hotel around 2:30pm and settled in. 4 of us in 1 room. No sex tonight (the eve of Valentines Day), particularly not with my boyfriends brother and his girlfriend in the next bed. I mean MAYBE we couldve pulled it off if we were still in college, and rather than a sibling in the next bed, we had a passed-out-drunk roomate. I wont deny that I've been there before. But siblings are a deal breaker.
We decided to explore the street, people were already out getting their drink on, so we decided to join in. Quebec is cold as fuck in February. I put on 2 layers of clothing, thinking it would suffice because it was daytime and the sun was still out. What a joke! All of us were freezing our asses off in the first hour or so of being there, we had to head back to the room to layer up. Once layered up, e decided to make the rounds at the Ice Carnival down the hill behind our hotel. They had amazing snow statues. We all hopped onto a raft snow ride that we paid 1.50$ Canadian to experience, it was short..but fun. As the sun set on the city, it started to get even colder. Jus having your hands expeoed to the air for a moment made them hurt. We were all attacked by the unavoidable "Water boogies" as I like to call them. The red, running nose, where your boogers drip out like water. The cold does weird things to your body. I experienced the frozen ass as well..the feeling where your ass is so cold, that it almost feels wet, like you pissed yourslf, but you didnt, your ass is just like an ice cube.
After freezing our water boogies off at the carnival, we headed back to the hotel for the evening festivities. When we got up there we saw that more and more people began to line the streets for the parade...set to begin promptly at 8pm. YEAAAAAHHH that didnt happen.
We got some drinks on the street, hoping the alcohol would warm us from the inside out, and threw on as many layers as possible to fight off the cold as we stood and waited for the parade to begin. We waited...and waited...and waited. Out in the freezing cold for an hour an a half. I just about lost my nerve and headed inside several times. Eventually I gave up and satinside a nice warm cigar bar. Of course, the moment I went inside, the parade came through. But I watched from the warmth of a smokey bar through the windows, while my boyfriend and everyone else braved the cold and watched from outside. As the parade came to an end we all decided to hit up the "Dance party". Seriously...an outdoor party, where you just dance. Hey, what else are Candians to do to keep warm? We walked down the street to this big castle made of ice, you couldnt go inside it or anything, it was for asthetics only, but it was very cool to look at, it was all lit up. They were playing a lot of early 90s hits from singers like La Bouche. I imagine that being as far north as Quebec is, it probably took the past 15 years for them to finally get word of those bands/songs. ha!
So what did we do for the next hour or so? Dance! we jumped around and sang along to all the old Bar/Bat Mitzvah hits of our childhood. There was a Canadian dance group wearing HORRENDOUS outfits, sequins and hot colors and cowboy hats and fringes. yuck! I guess they were suppose to look sexy...and I guess they were suppose to look talented. But much like the music, it ended up looking more like a dance routine a couple 13 yr olds put together to do at a Bat Mitzvah.

After the dance party we headed back to the room for some more booze and some more layers of clothing. I swear, it felt like I COULDNT get drunk, no matter how hard I tried. That cold air is sobering. Although my boyfriend didnt seem to have a problem raising his blood alcohol level. Me and the boyfriend, along with his brother and his girlfriend headed to this really cool bar across from our hotel. Its too bad we waited as long as we did to find this place, it was a great bar, cooler than most places you find yourself at on a random Saturday night in Manhattan. The downside? The mandatory coat check policy. I mean, I guess I understand it...with all those big bulky down coats that everyone has to wear in that weather, I guess they'd take up a lot of space if people brought them into the bar and left them on chairs and stuff, but boy do they jack up those coat check fees.
Shortly after arriving, my brothers boyfriend and his girl decided to head back to the room. I can only assume that they wanted to find some time for a little Pre-Valentines day fuckfest, but then again, thats just an assumption. My boyfriend and I decided to stay out though. I thnk we only made it for another 45 minutes or so, we had been awake since 4:30am, and now it was about 12:30am the next day...we had been awake aprox 20 hours...that gets painful after a while. So we got our coats and headed back to the hotel. When we arrived, we had to knock on the door about 5 times before anyone answered (Sex much?).
I was ready for bed the moment I got in the door, began pulling off all my layers of clothing and changing into pajamas. My boyfriend however, always finds ways to randomly stall before he goes to bed after a night of drinking, doing stupid things and being silly. I find myself yeling at him like I'm his mother sometimes. At least he keeps me laughing though, even when hes annoying the crap out of me after 20 hours of being awake.
The 4 of us (m and my boy, his brother and his girlfriend) chatted a bit in the dark before we all eventually passed out. My boyfriend playfully trying to fondle me under the covers....guess he didnt mind that his brother was in the next bed-but I did.
Heh.

Hell-of-a DAY!

Today was absolutely out of control to the umpteenth degree.
More women drama in the office. The moment I walked in, one of the long time employees had been kicked OUT. Now I am hoping and assuming this is not a permanent situation, because I would be crushed if it were...but both she-and my boss were PISSSED.

So guess who took her place running back and forth around the office today? I did, of course. I guess worse things could happen, except I was also the unfortunate fool who was scheduled to stay late today. Everyone left the office, including the doctors and I was left behind to lock up and finish all the work. Nothing like TEAM work, right?!

This was the last thing I needed today, this should be a restful day-I've got a 10 hr car ride up to NORTHERN EXPOSURE tomorrow and I'M the one staying late today? Amazing.


Whats the deal with fashion week this year? The only thing that I have found remotely attractive is Jen Kao's show, her knits were divine! But other than that, its more like show after show of 'been there/done that'

I guess I'm at a loss for words today, still reeling over the loss of Alexander McQueen, still thinking 'what was HE thinking?!'
The world is such a strange place. Theres so much about it that I dont understand.

I finally had a chance to pic up my birth control from the pharmacy today. I work in a freakin OB/GYN office, and I cant manage to remember this?! Next thing you know, I'LL be knocked up. God forbid!

Speaking of knocked-up. When it happens to me, I really really hope I dont get stretch marks. I saw some nasty looking bellies today, I dont want to look that way. I also dont want to break the 200 lb mark when I get pregnant. Today I had a pregnant woman who was 250 lbs, thats a tad excessive. I mean, she was probably chubby to begin with, but how can you-or your baby be healthy at that weight during a pregnancy?!

In the past 60 hours, I have consumed an entire box of Lucky Charms cereal. Guess I shouldnt be talking smack about my overweight OB patients, when I'm a bottomless pit when it comes to eating. Except #1-I'm not pregnant and #2-I naturally weigh less than 140 lbs...so weight isnt a huge concern to me. I'm relatively active, and I eat pretty healthy for the most part....with the exception of days where I eat entire boxes of cereal. Those days dont count.

Ok, I'm even begining to bore myself here. What made my last blog so much more interesting than this one?! Was it because I was fucking several guys at once (well, not all at the same time in the same place, but you know-i had them on rotation), was my life at age 18 just way more interesting than it is now? I come up with these funny, clever things when I'm not at my computer, and as soon as I sit to write in this thing, all is lost. Writers block I guess.
I will be sure to spice things up a little after this weekends adventure to Canada and the Ice Hotel

Losing McQueen

Well, it turns out I have the worlds worst timing for starting a "fashion blog". Because just 1 day after I began it, the world has suffered a massive fashion loss.

I recall my first time seeing anything "McQueen" was many years ago while shopping on 5th Avenue with my mother. We went into Henri Bendel (This was back when Bendel sold shoes...because I dont believe they still carry shoes in their store), and went up to the top level. It wasnt a shoe department, it was more like a shoe corner. And this one pair stood out to me-placed in the center of a circular white table with a Shabby Chic vibe. And the thing that stood out to me so much about this shoe was the shape, it was unlike any shoe I had ever seen. I'm not even sure how to describe it.
When I got home from our adventure on 5th avenue, I took it upon myself to google "Alexander McQueen" (This was back in the early days of googling).

Ever since that day, I have been captivated by each one of his runway shows.
To call him one of my "favorite designers" isnt fair. Because I honestly never grouped him among my "favorites". I never felt that his artistic creations belonged in a category. He was more like an icon. A leader in the fashion world...a world full of followers. He was innovative with his creations, and remarkably kept himself and his private life underexposed. I never got that MARC JACOBS and KARL LAGERFELD vibe from him. He was more reserved in his public behavior, usually walking out at the end of his shows in something either terribly funny and creative, or something totaly laid back and casual.

I cant fathom what would have made him do what he did today [ending his own life], but I can say that the world of fashion, art, and creativity has been changed because he existed in it. He was always outside the box, broke the mold, dared to do something new. Just look at his S/S 2010 line, the "Lobster Claw Shoes", no one had ever seen anything remotely like it.

Every show he ever did was like looking at an evolving painting, just when you think you've seen all there is to see, it shows you something wild and different. McQueen was an artistic genius, theres really no other way to put it. And the imprint he has left behind on the fashion world will never be filled...but hopefully it can be learned from. In a world of shapes, cuts, colors and fabrics...he cornered a market all his own, and for that reason...he will always live on...in all of his beautiful designs.

Blog world-Day 1

Ya know, I was into this whole "blog" thing before it was even cool. Before it was even "blog". I was doing this shit back when it was called 'having an internet diary', and I kept it a secret to most of my friends out of fear that someone would laugh about it.
That was back in my Diaryland days.

So here we are again, different time, different life....worlds and worlds away from where I was back then.

Life is definitely different now, but not the least bit less fun.

I've moved on from being boy crazy, to being shoe, bag, clothing and sex crazy.

I was silly girl playing silly games back then, and now I'm a bit wiser, a bit older, and now I keep my games to the bedroom with my boyfriend (1 boyfriend, singular).

So while I've changed, I've still made efforts to stick to my roots....those being: be loud, be funny, talk about sex, and dont give a crap what others think of you.

So let me say a little bit about myself now.

I'm a medical assistant in an OB/GYN office, that is staffed entirely with women...ONLY. Its full of drama and fights and backstabbing and all the same stuff I remember from highschool, except it has a backdrop of newborn babies, surpise pregnancies, oops-STD's, and an overwhelming amount of estrogen exploding out of all of our pours.

I'm a big girl now...living on my own in Queens, NY with my absolutely amazing boyfriend of 2 and a half years. Hes the kind of guy I only dreamed of having back in my Diaryland days. He's smart, funny, outgoing, exciting, fun, loving, caring, open, understanding, accepting and a little bit crazy (although not quite as bad as I am). He came into my life at just the right moment, just as everything started coming un-done. And he saved me. He saved me from losing my mind, from spiraling down into a deep dark depression, from being a pessimistic unhappy person. It happened just as I was about to lose hope in humanity, in all man-kind, and he made me realize that life is funny. It shouldn't be taken so seriously...it should be taken to its very limits.

So now he and I live together in a great 2 bedroom apartment, in a great location. We're close to Manhattan, and still just a car ride away from the beach. Its been 1 year together in this apartment, and we've managed not to kill eachother-in fact it brought us closer.

I'm happy, despite the amount of complaining I do. I'm happy and overwhelmingly excited for my future with my boyfriend.

So lets start things off with a BANG!

At aprox. 0500 hours on Saturday morning, me and my boy, his brother, his brothers girlfriend, and another couple we're friends with will be packing up our cars for a loooong drive up to Quebec Canada for the ice carnival they have up there....followed by 1 night at the Ice Hotel in Northern Quebec.

Of course, along with these plans came quite a bit of shopping to prepare.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend recently placed me on a shopping ban-until April-to try to help me control my finances...so there would be no Emilio Pucci snow boots in my future. Nor would there be any Alexander Wang thermal onesies! Instead I took a trip to TJMaxx and found lots of underarmour, nike and adidas gear to layer up with. In addition to that, my boyfriends mother is lending me a pair of her snow boots, because I dont own any.

I'd wear a pair of Uggs...But I'm terrified that snow will seep through and freeze my toes off.

I'd love to own a pair of those lovely Tall leather Ugg Locarno boots...they're the only Uggs that I actually find attractive, but sadly-I missed that boat, it sailed 2 years ago, and I only found out about them recently via Ebay. Actually, I really found out about them via some bratty stuck up North Shore Long Island girl back in October at a pumpkin patch. She was wearing them, and I had never seen then before...when I asked when/where she got them or if she knew the style name she said "Oh, I have no idea-I took them from my sisters closet". Thanks for your help!

So I was left to my own devices to hunt them down on the internet

So let the 3 day countdown begin! As of Saturday, I will headed to the frozen tundra that is our neighbors to the north.

Till then-wink wink, kiss kiss