Thankful Thanksgiving?

okay...I'm having a moment. An altered state of mind moment, but a milestone moment for me. I want to write about it now so I dont wake up and forget it tomorrow....
Thanksgiving was alright, nothing amazing...especially since it has been minus my fathers presence for a second year now. Thanksgiving hasnt been the same since we did it at my house...with my whole family present, grandparents, cousins, friends etc. I guess I havent been the same either.
Anyways, with Thanksgiving feeling like a bit of a downer after getting home from my aunts tonight, I decided to get a little pick-me-up and smoke some pot. I find that being stoned, drunk or asleep is the best way to deal with depressing things. Anyways, sitting home watching Life on Animal Planet...I watched a full episode and a half when my other half got home from his Thanksgiving with his family. Anyways, he came in and started watching with me, but was clearly exhausted and slipping into a food coma before my eyes. I was half glad...I was too captivated by Life to be much for conversation. Eventually he passed out, and so I watched another 2 hours of it 'alone'-so to speak.

Now what I am about to say, has been my true belief for as long as I can remember...I have always considered myself to be an Athiest. Even as a child being sent to Hebrew School, none of it just ever took-not even the pride in my religion. I just truly didnt believe religion had a place in my life, and all the mumbo jumbo crap that goes with it. I'm a firm believer that man created god, god did not create man. Well, with that said--lets call what I had tonight; a "Spiritual Moment"...and while this may sound silly to others, its actually a really big change for someone like me..............I think I might be Agnostic now. Hah, it sounds so silly to read it....I know, but I just got a vibe tonight watching that show, that maybe I was wrong. Maybe some kind of Deity does exist? Maybe its a 'mother earth' kind of thing, or maybe something entirely larger than that. Something that knows everything to the edge of the universe. I think I just decided tonight, that there's too many beautiful things on this planet not to put some doubt in any "athiests" thoughts. Everything...plants, animals, the ocean, the sky, space...like a huge puzzle of organisms that so perfectly fit together...Life...I mean, how? why, do we have it? Whats the reason for all of this? Who decided to make the sky blue, the trees green, the air? How did it come to be that life is created the way it is? Who picked the features that differ on a man and a woman....why do males have penis'? Why not some other type of reproduction entirely? I dunno, but my mind is changed. Why does each snowflake have a unique shape? Something must have wanted it or willed it to be that way...it cant all really just be a big accident, right?

Maybe I smoked too much pot, I dunno. Something just really seems different to me now-like a presence that was never there before in the back of my mind...not necessarily a 'person' presence, or a being...more of a 'feeling' I guess.
For anyone else I suppose it sounds crazy, someone who has any real ties to their religion or beliefs would wonder how Atheism and Agnosticism even really differ...but believe me they do.
So, yea. That was the big breakthrough. It makes me feel a lot less bitter about the holiday...and actually has made me feel a little more Thankful for it....pun intended.